From September 1 through the New Year, I absolutely revel in the holiday season. Food, traditions, decor, music, movies, baking– the works! It is truly my favorite time of the year, but that doesn’t mean the holidays are always smooth sailing. One of the trickiest challenges to navigate is how to deal with judgemental family at holiday gatherings, especially when you are childfree. It can feel like you are under attack with all the questions and skepticism and judgement. “When are you having kids?” or “Better hurry up before it’s too late!” are not uncommon points of conversation.
As someone who firmly does not want children, I’ve navigated these waters and have learned a few things about how to deal with judgemental family, friends, coworkers, and even strangers. There are three important things to keep in mind when dealing with judgemental family at the holidays:
- Honesty is the best policy.
- Set boundaries and stick to them.
- Normalize the childfree conversation.
Honesty is the Best Policy When Dealing with Judgemental Family
One reason I think my family is respectful of my decision to not have kids is because I have been brutally honest about it. It’s not a secret, so most family members aren’t inclined to even ask me anymore. But, if someone does ask, I just answer honestly: I don’t want kids.
Direct answers like these leave little room for discussion, although you might initially get questions like “Well, why not?” or “Aren’t you afraid you’ll regret it?” Again, I just answer these questions honestly.
In my experience, being direct, honest, and fully transparent has helped reroute awkward conversations, or at least made me feel less awkward about having them. It gives you the power of owning your decision, and it helps normalize the fact that not everyone wants or can have children.
Owning Your Choices
This sounds simple, but it’s not. We are culturally and socially conditioned to feel shame when our life doesn’t align with the perceived ideal. This means that even if we are personally confident in our choice to not have kids (or any other choice), we can still feel awkward or embarassed to say so. It’s really tough to dismantle a message we have been fed all our lives!
Whether we realize it or not, this often leads us to sidestep the truth or dismiss it. Sidestepping the truth only reinforces the idea, to ourselves and to others, that there is something wrong with that choice. It also invites people to weigh in, give advice, or otherwise try to “help.” This is why being honest and owning your choice is such a game changer. We can’t control what other people say or ask, but we can control how we respond. The less apologetic and wishy-washy we are, the more we chip away at the idea that having kids is the “right” decision.
Set Boundaries with Judgemental Family Members and Stick to Them
Sometimes I don’t mind talking about why I don’t want children. I think it’s a reasonable conversation topic between people who are close (like family), and I actually wish it was just as normal to discuss not having kids as it was to discuss having them. That said, I don’t want to have that conversation all the time, and it’s perfectly fine to want to talk about something else.
This is where boundaries come in. Setting boundaries is not easy, but, it is ultimately our own responsbility to set them where we need them.
Here are some examples of setting a boundary when you don’t want to talk about why you don’t have kids:
- I don’t want to talk about this anymore.
- I don’t like talking about this.
- This isn’t up for discussion.
- Let’s talk about something else.
Again, the key here is to be honest and clear. Will your family get upset? Maybe, but that is not your responsibility.
You are Not Responsible For Your Family’s Feelings
Something I’ve been working on a lot in therapy is internalizing the concept that I am not responsible for other people’s feelings. I am responsible for my own feelings only. Now, this is definitely easier said than done, but it is a crucial part of setting boundaries and navigating those awkward conversations with judgemental family at holiday gatherings. This is not to say we should all be horrifically mean to each other, of course, but, at the end of the day, we all have to take responsibility for our own feelings, not everyone else’s.
If you have a particularly judgemental family member who continues to press you about your choice to not have kids, revert back to honesty: “I just said I don’t want to talk about this, and it hurts my feelings that you aren’t respecting that.”
And if they keep at it? Leave the conversation. You are not obligated to defend or explain anything you don’t want to. If you are uncomfortable or upset by a conversation, and you’ve informed the other person, but they have chosen to disregard your feelings, then it is time to remove yourself from the situation. No explanation needed.
Normalize the Childfree Conversation
In my opinion, all of this boils down to normalizing the childfree conversation with ourselves and with others. We have to distmantle the idea that having kids is a default choice, the “right” choice. Instead, not having kids, or not knowing if we want kids, should be presented as normal. The real solution to dealing with judgemental family during the holidays is to address where that judgement is coming from in the first place: societal conditioning that all women and couples need and want to have kids.
There are a ton of perfectly normal reasons to not want to have kids. The more we can talk about this without it seeming taboo or counter-culture, the less judgement we will face. And, when we do face judgement, we can remember that honesty and setting boundaries can help.
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