Since becoming the DINK Dog Mom, I’ve received a flood of messages from people, primarily child free women, expressing solidarity, gratitude, and support for my message that not all women need to or should have kids. The pressure to conform is heavy, but it is not always noticeable. It’s like living with chronic pain– after awhile, you almost don’t know it’s there because it’s just how life is. But, there many reasons to choose a childfree life, and these are the reasons I hear the most often.
I consider myself lucky in that I have not faced significant backlash for my choices. I have two older sisters, both of whom have kids. So, my parents don’t really pester me about it. My partner is on the exact same page as me, and I’ve somehow ended up with multiple friends who also decided that raising children is not part of their life plan. Still, I’ve definitely experienced criticism for living childfree, as well as unsolicited advice and judgement in response to my simple statement, “I don’t want kids.”
- I had a fellow yoga teacher tell me that only women who had children had the capacity to teach authentically and connect with their students.
- A friend’s mom shamed me for not yet having children, glaring at me while she said I “better hurry up or else.”
- Women doctors have looked at me with skepticism when I explained I did not ever want children, responding with statements such as, “Well, you feel that way now, but…” or “You’ll change your mind.”
- People I don’t even know ask, “But how does your husband feel about that?” as if I do not have the authority to make my own decisions about my own body based on my own wants and needs.
- Strangers on the internet have threatened that I will regret not having children in my old age.
What is child free living?
Childfree living is a fulfilling life without children. Women are often expected to give themselves up for the sake of others, whether that’s their spouses or their kids or even their parents. If they protest this expectation, they are called selfish or ungrateful. But is it truly selfish to live your life how YOU want? Moreover, what about the women who can’t have kids, including transwomen? What are we saying when we imply that a woman’s worth is measured by her fertility and that she can’t live a full or authentic life without giving birth?
The truth is, there are numerous reasons to choose the childfree life. In fact, there is a whole childfree movement. This recent study from the Pew Research Center shows a rising number of childfree humans dont expect to ever have kids. Part of this growing child free movement could be the result of a raising conversation around childfree benefits. For example, childfree people tend to have more money, more time, and enjoy happier relationships.
Thanks to birth control, women have more choice about if and when they decide to have kids. Often, people assume they want children without ever asking themselves that question. Or, they look at children as an inevitability that can’t be avoided. As awareness around the child free life grows, so does the realization that having kids is a choice, not an inevitability. This has resulted in many people chooins got stop having kids and instead embrace a happily childfree life.
Can You Live a Happy Life Without Children?
Yes! There are so, so many people who are childfree and happy. In fact, there is not very much evidence to support the idea that living a childless life leads to regret and a lack of fulfillment. Being childfree by choice often gives us the flexability and bandwidth to focus our time and attention on other passions, many of which are just as important and fulfilling as having kids.
Society tells the story that childless women are lonely and unfulfilled, as if a woman’s sole purpose in life, and her greatest achievement, is to become a mother. No doubt it can be very difficult for a woman who wants childfren to struggle with infertility, but that does not mean their life is meaningless. In fact, childfree women– whether by choice or circumstance– can live a very happy, meaningful life.
Reasons People Choose Childfree Living
There are many important reasons people choose childfree living beyond the benefits. The truth is, having kids is not easy. It is a long, time-consuming commitment, and the responsibility of this choice– as well as the potential consequences– should not be overlooked or minimized. From financial stability to mental health, there are many important reasons that people choose a childfree life.
Financial Stability
Kids are expensive. According to the 2020 USDA report, “The Cost of Raising a Child,” a middle-income family will spend around $12,980 per year per child:
Middle-income, married-couple parents of a child born in 2015 may expect to spend $233,610 ($284,570 if projected inflation costs are factored in*) for food, shelter, and other necessities to raise a child through age 17. This does not include the cost of a college education.
While my husband and I make decent money, the big reason we can afford nice things (like traveling) is specifically because we don’t have kids. That is one of the biggest appeals of the DINK (dual income no kids) lifestyle. Two incomes can go a really long way when you are childfree. Moreover, if you have financial goals, such as retiring young, not having kids is one choice that can line you up for success.
Emotional Stability
Nothing is more draining to me than being around children. This isn’t necessarily a negative thing! For example, I adore spending time with my niece, but I do notice how mentally, emotionally, and even physically draining it can be. Children are like energy vampires, and spending time around them is exceptionally exhausting for me. I can see why., for some people, this is is a deeply satisfying form of exhaustion. Working in my yard on a hot summer day can sometimes be miserable, and it’s definitely exhausting– but at the end of the day I feel a deep sense of accomplishment. No doubt, this is how many parents feel about their children.
But the fact is, that sort of work is just not for everyone. Especially every day all day! Some of us are barely keeping it together just trying to take care of ourselves, let alone a whole other human. Some of us are more interested in giving all our love and affection and support to our partners than to a child. And, some of us may have past traumas that make us not-the-best fit for parenthood. Not having the emotional bandwidth to be a parent does not make someone less than, it just makes them different.
Not all of us have the emotional bandwidth to be a social worker, but that doesn’t make us any “less than” as a human being!
You Have Other Priorities In Life
“You can do it all!” is a lie. I’m sorry, but the truth is we all have to make choices and prioritize things according to what we want and need. There is no “one size fits all” path when it comes to creating a life that is authentic and meaningful. When you choose one thing, you are inevitably saying no to something else. Many of these choices aren’t about what is right or wrong, better or worse. They simply boil down to one question: what are your priorities in life?
For me, I want to make a positive impact on the world around me. I want to travel and experience as much as I can. A lot of what I want to do and see and be would be infinitely harder, if not impossible, if I had kids. I’m not saying having kids is a bad choice; it’s just a different priority!
Children require so much money, love, patience, guidance, understanding, and so on. I can see how raising a child would be a beautiful and deeply rewarding experience. But, it’s just not something that’s important to me, and there is nothing wrong with that.
You Physically Can’t Have Kids
According to the CDC, approximately 10% of women in the United States between 15 and 44 have difficulty getting or staying pregnant. That’s about 6.1 million women. Although a portion of these women may not want kids, many of them do, and it can be exceptionally hurtful to ask about or criticize a woman’s childfree life when you have no idea why she is childfree. It is hard enough to want kids and not be able to have them without the added judgement (or worse, pity) from people who think motherhood is the ultimate goal for all women.
A lot of the anxiety around infertility can stem from those societal expectations. There is this idea that you are somehow “less than” as a woman if you don’t (or can’t) have children. This is incredibly damaging for women who are not able to have children, including transwomen. A woman’s identity and self worth have nothing to do with her ability to give birth. You do not have to give birth in order to be a “real” woman or a “real” mother.
Moreover, adoption is not an option for everyone. It can be difficult to get approval and is also extremely expensive– sometimes tens of thousands of dollars on top of the $12k cost of having a kids mentioned above.
So, if you can’t have kids, that’s okay. There ARE other paths that are just as valuable, just as important, and just as rewarding as motherhood.
You Have a History of Family Illness(es)
There are long lists of both physical and mental illnesses that are genetic. Millennials are one of the most self aware, health-conscious generations, and as a result many are recognizing long family histories plagued by health issues such as certain forms of cancer, major depression, cystic fibrosis, bipolar disorder, addiction, and more. It is perfectly reasonable and responsible to not want children in order to avoid passing along these challenges. These diseases are costly and debilitating for those who struggle with them, and they can be equally as difficult to grapple with as a parent.
No parent wants to watch their child struggle through an addiction or die at a young age from a debilitating disease.
This is an incredibly valid and self aware reason to choose a childfree life.
Your Lifestyle is Not Conducive to Children
Sometimes, the lifestyle a person chooses is simply not conducive to raising a family. Maybe your job is dangerous or you travel a lot; perhaps all of your time and energy is poured into a passion or hobby or career. For me, I deeply enjoy the flexibility of a childfree life. My husband and I can make riskier decisions, like investing in crypto-currency or quitting my full-time job to go back to grad school. We can spontaneously go somewhere or do something, sleep in on the weekends, or road trip out to wine country. Even something like adopting or fostering a rescue dog is easier without children.
A lot of what we love most about our life would change if we had kids. We would always have to think of their future instead of our own. Housing choices would be defined by school districts, travel would be restricted to what was family friendly, and our daily routine would need to focus around what supported our children. While that might be a lifestyle that many people love, it’s definitely not the lifestyle for us! And that’s not selfish; that’s self aware.
Reduce Your Environmental Impact
Recently, I posted the above infographic from a study that identified personal actions that impacted an individual’s greenhouse gas emissions. One of the four actions with the most impact included having fewer children. “When accounting for the impact of future descendants at current emission rates, having one fewer child would save 58.6 tonnes per year.”
Consider this: man-made climate change is one of the single greatest threats to our planet. Reducing the global population by choosing a childfree life reduces the enormous strain on basic resources like food and water.
Moreover, we are feeling the effects of climate change now. Natural disasters are increasing in frequency and intensity at alarming rates. Food crises loom on the horizon. Many of us simply don’t want to bring a child into this world, because the future does not necessarily look bright.
You Just Don’t Want Kids
Last, but certainly not least, many people just don’t want kids.
End of story!
At the end of the day, nobody needs a reason or justification for not having kids any more than they need a reason for not becoming a lawyer. If someone says, “I don’t want to be a lawyer,” they don’t have to defend themselves. Nobody has to be like, “Well, the school is really expensive, and I think law is really boring, and I’m a bad test taker so I’m not sure I could pass the bar exam.”
If someone doesn’t want to be a lawyer (or any other profession), people just accept it and move on. They don’t need a whole back story on why. Instead, most people will hear what you career you ARE interested in pursuing, and they will focus on that.
It’s time we realize that having children or not having children is the same type of choice. You might have a whole dissertation of reasons for choosing a childfree life, or you may not. In the end, it doesn’t matter.
If the reason you choose a childfree life is just that you don’t want kids, that’s all you need to say.
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